


However Long the Night, the Dawn Will Break

by Walker_August



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, POV Third Person Omniscient, Reader-Insert, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25813342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walker_August/pseuds/Walker_August
Summary: This piece primarily deals with depression so please heed the warning if reading about that is a potential trigger for you.
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	However Long the Night, the Dawn Will Break

**Author's Note:**

> This piece primarily deals with depression so please heed the warning if reading about that is a potential trigger for you.

Javier knows the signs. He’s seen them all before, suffered through them with no end of hope in sight. Alone, suffering alone for all that time in the dark and heavy toil of misery. Dealing with it in the only way he knew how, drowning in his chosen poisons until they stopped his suffering.

He knows how it feels, to be so lonely and yet so unable to ask for help.

How could he let her go through that too.

The way she seems so absent, clinging to him but not with any of her usual fervour. More like she is trying to anchor herself to reality with him than because she needs his touch. Oh, he knows that well. She goes through the motions, every time he sees her, but for weeks now he knows she hasn’t really been there. That spark that had made him come back to her again and again, so dulled down it’s nearly invisible.

It’s the twisted, clawing hand of depression that pulls her away from him and everyone she knows. A constant daze like a thick fog. An unwavering pain, oppressive, lodged somewhere so unknown within her. She never says it, but she doesn’t need to. He sees, feels it in her every time they meet. Javier remembers and it scares him to know they could share such anguish.

Javier wants to help. He wants to tell her that he understands and he’s here and he’ll keep her safe until the demons are chased away. He wants to tell her it will be ok. But instead, she’s kissing him – her lips crashing against his the moment he crosses the threshold into her apartment. He just wants to tell her everything will be ok but right now she is trying, still, to find a way to ignore it, push it away. He knows what she thinks will help; the drink and the sex and staying awake.

“Hey” he speaks gently, pulling away from her. “Hey, stop”.

He looks at her, at the confusion painted on her face, but it’s the way she looks exhausted, and so completely spiritless. Fuck, it reminds him of how he was. When it was bad. And his heart breaks for her because he thinks he knows how hopeless she is feeling. He remembers how bad it gets.

Everything will get better.

He doubts it for a moment, seeing his once joyful lover on the verge of breaking. It brings him back to a place in himself he wants to forget.  
“Javi?” she asks, quiet, uncertain.

“Here” he pulls the blanket off the couch and drapes it over her shoulders. Pulls her into his side and sits them both down. “Do you want to talk?”

***

Suddenly she feels too seen and so out of place in his steady presence. She understands at once that he understands. That he recognises her voiceless despair. But it’s not a talking matter, there is nothing she can say now. So she shakes her head even as the tears threaten to fall from her eyes, ready for him to get up and leave.

How could he stay, when she was this.

He nods his head and gets up in silence, leaving her there in the blanket on the couch made for two. When she starts crying she feels like she's some over-emotional girl fussing for no reason. God, she’s so alone. So fucking lonely it feels like she’s dying. She doesn’t know who she is, or what she should be, half the time she doesn’t even know where she is.

Of course Javier can’t deal with her like this. Why would he? He’s got so much of his own shit going on, things that are much bigger than anyone, and she knows he hurts too. All the time. Besides, really what is she to him? Another easy screw, right? That’s all she can be.

She waits for the sound of the door opening as he leaves, every other noise just a buzz in the back of her mind. She wants to pin-point the exact moment she drove him away, for further proof that she is not worth anything to anyone. That she deserves to be alone. Whatever sick part of her mind is running the show right now wants this. It wants the dark and the misery that grows into an unstoppable numbness. It wants her to give up and in this moment, she wants to let it.

She closes her eyes, exhausted and sick, sinks into the cold until she’s drifting.

***  
Javier stands in the kitchen, his mind racing. He runs a hand through his dark hair, unable to be still, as he tries to find a way to help. When it was him he indulged every dark thought, every time it came for months on end. Part of him thinks he never truly got better, only got used to ignoring it. His destructive tendencies have always won, it’s a fault he continues to learn to manage. He doesn’t want that for her. 

Not her.

So how does he make himself the person she can come to for help? Javi’s never been that before, not really. Not for his family, not for his colleagues, not for the women he sees. Not anyone, because it’s so much easier not to be someone's safety net.

But now, right in this moment, Javier knows he needs to be there for her, to catch her as she falls into the dark. He’s never been more certain of anything. Even when he’s not sure he loves her yet, he knows they need each other. 

Like this.

Suddenly determined, one thing he has always been, he isn’t going to leave her to go through it alone. Not when he knows how it feels.

For now, he runs the tap and fills a glass with water, making his way back to her. It’s a start, a gesture. When he returns to her she’s quiet, tears drying on her cheeks as she dozes wrapped in the thick woollen blanket. She looks so fragile to him, perhaps because he is so scared to wake her. At least in sleep there is some form of solace. He hopes, for her.

“Rest, querida” he whispers into a kiss on the top of her head, the most gentle thing he has ever given.

Setting the drink down, he sits and lets her curl against him – she finds him even in her sleep and he feels so warm at that. Holding her close he closes his eyes, feeling the ache and pull from the day's work. It’s not made better in this position, supporting her and sitting on the hard couch, but he’s not going anywhere.

While he drifts off Javier wonders what to do. If she worked with him, the government would provide support. Therapy if she wanted it, the same service Javier had eschewed for too long. Instead she has nothing available for free. Perhaps if they put some money together she can afford it, if she wants it.

For now, he holds out hope that she’ll open up to him. That she understands the gesture, and feels comfortable with him. He’ll wait, give her all the time until she does. If anyone knows how long the journey can be, it’s Javier.

“You’re here.” she stirs, mumbles “Please stay”, and holds on to his hand before falling back to sleep.

However long the road is, Javier knows she needs a companion to make it through the journey. And through whatever force of nature it is, he feels sure it’s why he’s here with her.

“I’ll stay as long as you need me” he murmurs and pulls her closer, before drifting off himself.


End file.
